Don't you love managing your email list instead of your business?

Or building funnels instead of your new offer or course?

Or writing emails all the time instead of taking a day off?

Oh, you don't?!

Then you need the...

 

Everything Email Guy

Oh hey, that's me, Thomas Crouse.

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This goof has learned not to bite humans.

The cat is nice, too.

More than a top-notch copywriter, I'm also a list manager.

Because managing your email list is BORING.

But I'm good at it, because I kinda like fooling around in your back-end. 

 

(Your email back-end, ya sicko)

I'm fluent in the features of Email Service Providers (ESPs) like Klaviyo, ConvertKit, AWeber, etc.

 

We're talking funnels, auto-responders, analytics, segmentation, deliverability, and BLAH BLAH BLAH.

I do all that list management crap.

(The Reptilian Overlords taught me everything, more about them in a minute)

Hey, don't take my word for it:

"Tom's email tactics helped us scale to 7-figures. Period."

-Rachel B., General Manager of Happy Earth Co-op

There are more testimonials below, but if you need a reliable email list manager in your life now, then you best join my waitlist:

Hmmm, I see you're still reading. 

Whelp, time to put on my copywriter pants and do some more convincing.

(And by "copywriter pants" I mean "sweatpants")

Lemme guess, right now you're wondering...

"What does 'Everything Email' actually mean, Tom?"

That's cool, you can call me Tom.


(Thanks for asking first, jeesh)


​But don't call me Tom Cruise, that's Risky Business. If you call me that, working together will become Mission Impossible. Keep the Maverick jokes to yourself, and I'll help you see The Color of Money.


(Seriously though, my last name is "Kraus" spelled completely wrong)

In short, "everything email" means full-service list management.

 

Like a "one-stop-shop" for email marketing. Specifically...

"Everything Email" means I...

  • Write emails that speak to your customers' ambitions, hopes, and dreams. And how they can achieve them with you.

  • Craft tempting CTA's, because selling isn't icky if you do it right, dagumbit!

  • Deepen your market research with insights that improve your messaging and your offers. Maybe even your business as a whole. 

  • Optimize your welcome email to "prime" your new leads to become lifelong customers who actually look forward to your future emails.

  • Build new email funnels, or improve existing ones. Funnels aren't "set it and forget it," they need regular updates and constant care.

  • Employ bleeding-edge strategies to land you in the "Primary" inbox, so your click-through rates soar freely like a Pterodactyl over Pangea.

  • Clean out unresponsive subscribers who are dragging down your stats and putting you at risk of being labeled "Spiced Ham." (aka Spam®)

  • Do other boring, logistical stuff like clean up your segmentation and tags.

  • Make your email list "platform-proof," so you don't lose everything when MailChimp gives you the boot because they decided they don't like you anymore.

Sound good?

To take care of all that for you.

 

Or sign up for the wild ride that is my email list

Mine is not an "average" list and I am not a "normal" copywriter.

I explore marketing through a lens of weird history, bizarre events, and mind-blowing facts.

My emails will re-wire your brain.

 

They'll alter the way you see reality.

 

And they'll prepare you for the Reptilian Revolution which has been building for centuries. 

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Don't subscribe if you HATE THE TRUTH. Also, you might learn something about email marketing?

STOP right there,

sir scrolls-a-lot!

Be honest with me.

You just skipped all those bullets, didn't you?

And that.. um... special email sign-up form?

(+500XP if you didn't)

 

Come on! I put a lot of hard work (and some dumb jokes) into those!

But I get it.

 

Bullets are dull.

 

They make your eyes roll back into your head far enough to see your frontal lobe.

(Kinda like the thought of cleaning up your email list)

Fine!

Since my bullets weren't good enough, I'll tell you a story:

I've been obsessed with ads ever since I was a (strange) 5-year-old...

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Just a little lizard boy with a bowl cut

No joke, some of my oldest memories are judging 90's TV commercials with my (strange) parents in our living room.

"Tang! It's a kick in the glass!"

(still one of the best taglines, ever)

"Baby bottle pop, Baby bottle pop! Just lick the pop, dip it, and shake it, then lick it again!"

(still one of the worst jingles, ever)

"The juice is loose!"

(sorry)

I'll stop now.

The three of us still shout unwanted feedback directly at TV ads, like really cool people who are not strange and definitely NOT lizards in human suits.

When it came time to choose my college major, the answer was clear: Advertising.

Or "Mass Communications" as USD called it.

On my first day, I reported to the Al Neuharth Media Center with rose-colored glasses over my starry eyes.

(Oh, young Tom. How adorably naive.)

I had no idea the knowledge that would make me a high-demand email marketer wasn't being taught at any university.

So I spent two years having the joy sucked from my soul while studying "advertising adjacent" skills (like logo design), in which I had no interest.

And that had me questioning my life choices.

 

Can I really keep this up for another two years?

It seemed fate was telling me to double down on my love of reading and become a writer.

 

(QUE: eye roll)

But I didn't want to become one of those stuffy "English Majors" in a tweed jacket with elbow patches talking about how overrated On The Road is.

(I do like elbow patches, tho)

Many more hours of self-reflection led me to a revelation:

  1. My writing is solid, but my characters and dialogue SUCK.

  2. Who knows how to breathe life into characters and the things they say?

  3. Actors!

  4. I'll study Theater!

 

(QUE: The eye-est roll, ever)

As silly as that may sound, studying Theater is the smartest choice I've ever made as a marketer.

It emphasized storytelling as the ultimate form of communication.

 

It gave me powerful insights into the human psyche and the real reasons why people do what they do.

It showed me how to use those insights to resonate emotionally with an audience.

Most importantly, it encouraged me to keep writing and studying long after I graduated.

After graduation, I quickly learned there ain't no money in writing fiction.

After all that time, the lizard...

err... ad-man in me never died.

 

He reminded me that copywriting is writing. It just isn't as sexy as being a great American novelist.

 

(Or the next heir to the Reptile throne.)

I honed my craft as a copywriter for years, paying my dues and my bills with the words I wrote and the stories I told.

 

I never stopped seeking new ideas, strategies, and successful mentors to learn from.

(Plus, the best way to subvert human governments is with methods of persuasion.)

In my time as a Copywriter and a Sales Manager, I became very familiar with ESPs (Email Service Providers) like Klaviyo, AWeber, and Convertkit.

I saw first-hand that business owners are often too busy to handle the logistics of their email lists.

Or worse yet, they never bother building an email list, at all.

Which is frustrating. I'd be writing killer emails for my clients, but too many of them weren't getting sent.

 

I don't blame my clients for that. Many of them were simply too busy with the business aspects of their company, product, course, or offer.

So I decided to do something about it.

Because "List Management" is something nobody wants to do.

Building funnels, clearing out unresponsive subscribers, optimizing segments, and the 1,000 other features in your ESP are straight-up boring.

So let me handle it for you, simple as that:

Or sign up to my list and learn for yourself with my strange emails.

Sure, you'll learn about email marketing.

 

But you'll also learn about some bizarre moments in human history.

Maybe a weird story or two.

 

I'll even do my best to save you when we Reptiles finally begin "The Harvest."

(No promises, tho)

Email Sign-up

COMING SOON

Testimonials

 

"Tom's emails are the best thing that ever happened to our company. His strong voice defines our brand image to this day."

-Rachel B., General Manager of Happy Earth Co-op

(she really likes me)

"Brilliant, punctual, professional. Best marketer I've ever worked with."

-Michael S., Content Editor at Sic Semper Serpent

"Tom's words have honed our entire organization's messaging. He really knows how this email stuff works."

-Sue C., Executive Director of the MN Center for Employee Ownership

"Your copy is addicting. Serious Genius."

-Ngoc T., Maker-in-chief at Mix Maker

"Great text, man! Amazing! Everyone looks forward to reading your next material."

-Azur D., Co-Founder of Synergy Moon

"A JOY to work with! Always prepared and never misses a deadline. And he's a downright great human being."

-Leah P., Sales Director at City Pages (RIP)

"He's ok for a lizard-person."

-Newt Grengich, Reptilian Overlord

As you can see in the testimonials above, my email strategies are effective in every niche and industry, even the non-profit sector.

Which brings me to...

The Bad News

Nowhere on this page do I promise to make you "6-figures with one funnel!!1!" or other dumb hype.

Because email marketing just doesn't work that way, silly human.

It's not a magic pill that allows you to cash in forever.

It takes effort and a special skill set. But if done correctly and consistently, email marketing can have the best ROI of any online advertising.

However, if your business, product, or service is a dud, no amount of email strategy can save you.

I can't fix a bad offer. Nor will I sell it.

But if you have something great that your customers enjoy, I can help you spread the good news far and wide.

Except for this other piece of bad news:

My time is extremely limited.

I'm the email guy over at Mix Maker Agency.

I'm a stay-at-home dad.

I've got a human civilization to overthrow.

So I'm not desperate for more work.

So if you're interested in my email services, contact me now to get on my waitlist, before someone else snags your spot in line:

Luckily, it's time for...

The Good News

I do take on new clients whenever I can.

And when I do, they come from my waitlist or my agency.

So you can use either of those methods to contact me for work.

Or you can subscribe to my email list and learn how to enhance your own marketing.

 

But, fair warning...

My email list is... odd.

In case you couldn't tell by reading this page.

If you sign up, I'll send emails like:

  • 9 Copywriting tips my cat told me

  • The day aliens hacked Scott Simon's radio show

  • The 400-year-old Frenchman who invented comedy (and wrote the jokes you still laugh at today)

  • I haven't shampooed in 13 years (and other ways big brands influence your behavior)

  • The arcade game that the US Government used for mind control

  • Welcome to the "Everything Email" list (and also the Reptilian Revolution)

 

 

Believe it or not, those emails all carry lessons about how to improve your marketing.

They're also funny, entertaining, and mind-blowing, if you ask my biased opinion.

 

So here's one more chance to join my email list.

Don't ignore this opt-in like you did the others, ok?

 

This one is extra sensitive:

Email Sign-up

COMING SOON

What are you expecting down here?

A photo of me without my human mask?

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