Don't you love building email funnels instead of building your new offer or course?
And managing your subscriber list instead of managing your business?
Or writing emails all the time instead of ever taking a day off?
Oh, you don't?!
Then it sounds like you need...
The "Everything Email" Guy
Oh hey, that's me, Thomas Crouse.
This mangy goof doesn't bite (anymore).
The cat is cool, too.
A guy who writes juicy emails, publishes them directly into your email provider, and improves everything about your email game.
I'm fluent in the features of Email Service Providers (ESPs) like Klaviyo, ActiveCampaign, ConvertKit, and AWeber.
We're talking funnels, auto-responders, analytics, segmentation, deliverability, and other boring words n' stuff.
I do all that list management crap.
Call me an email marketer, or a "one-man email agency" if you want to be generous.
(Really, you're too kind)
But don't take my word for it:
"Tom's email tactics helped us scale to 7-figures. Period."
-Rachel B., General Manager of Happy Earth Co-op
(The photo series on their main page was my idea, too)
There are more testimonials below, but right now you're probably wondering...
"What does 'Everything Email' mean, Tom?"
That's cool, you can call me Tom.
(Thanks for asking first, jeesh)
But don't call me Tom Cruise, that's Risky Business. If you call me that, working together will become Mission Impossible. Keep the Maverick jokes to yourself, and I'll help you see The Color of Money.
(Seriously though, my last name is "Kraus" spelled completely wrong.)
I'm really glad you asked that question. It means you're paying attention, and I like that quality in a person.
In short, "everything email" means full-service list management.
Like a "one-stop-shop" for email marketing with a funnel department, a segmentation section, a deliverability deli, and a strategy pharmacy with copywriting available over-the-counter. Specifically...
"Everything Email" means I can
Write emails that speak to your customers' ambitions, hopes, and dreams. And how they can achieve them with you.
Craft tempting CTA's, because selling isn't icky, dagumbit! Your customers want to buy from you. I make it easy for them.
Deepen your market research with advanced techniques influenced by Daniel Throssell's genius Market Detective system.
Optimize your welcome email to "prime" your new leads to become lifelong customers who actually look forward to your future emails. Because chances are, your welcome email is wrong.
Build new funnels, or improve existing ones. Funnels aren't "set it and forget it," they need regular updates and constant care.
Employ bleeding-edge strategies to avoid Gmail's "Promo" tab and get you into your customers' "Primary" inbox, where open rates soar freely like Falcor over Fantasia.
Clean out unresponsive subscribers who are dragging down your stats and putting you at risk of being labeled "Spam."
Do other boring, logistical stuff like clean up your segmentation and tags.
Help attract new leads with ideas for referrals or smart magnets.
Make your email list "platform-proof," so you don't lose everything when MailChimp gives you the boot because they decided they don't like you anymore. (TIP: Migrate now before it's too late)
I can even help revive your dead list, or help you grow a new one.
To take care of all that for you.
Or sign up to my list and learn how to do it yourself with my strange emails.
Seriously, they might be the weirdest lessons ever written about email marketing.
You've been warned:
STOP right there,
Be honest with me.
You just skipped all those bullets, didn't you?
(+500XP if you didn't)
Come on! I put a lot of hard work (and some dumb jokes) into those!
But I get it.
Bullets are dull.
They make your eyes roll back into your head far enough to see your frontal lobe.
(Kinda like the thought of cleaning up your email list)
Since my bullets weren't good enough, I'll tell you a story:
I've been obsessed with ads ever since I was a (strange) 5-year-old...
The '93 Plymouth Voyager never looked that good again
No joke, some of my oldest memories are judging 90's TV commercials with my (strange) parents in our living room.
"Tang! It's a kick in the glass!"
(still one of the best taglines, ever)
"Baby bottle pop, Baby bottle pop! Just lick the pop, dip it, and shake it, then lick it again!"
(still one of the worst jingles, ever)
"Nobody better lay a finger on my Butterfinger."
I'll stop now.
[Fast forward through my awkward high-school years]
The three of us still shout unwanted feedback directly at TV ads, like really cool people who are not strange at all.
When it came time to choose my college major, the answer was clear: Advertising.
Or "Mass Communications" as USD called it.
On my first day, I reported to the Al Neuharth Media Center with rose-colored glasses over my starry eyes.
(Oh, young Tom. How adorably naive.)
I had no idea the knowledge that would make me a high-demand email marketer wasn't being taught at any university.
So I spent two years having the joy sucked from my soul while studying "advertising adjacent" skills (like logo design), in which I had no interest.
That's when I thought long and hard about my future.
Can I really keep this up for another two years?
I spent a torturous winter break worried that my lifelong dream of becoming a marketer was a terrible idea.
It seemed fate was telling me to double down on my love of reading and become a writer.
(QUE: eye roll)
But I didn't want to become one of those stuffy "English Majors" in a tweed jacket with elbow patches talking about how overrated On The Road is.
(I do like elbow patches, tho)
Many more hours of self-reflection led me to a revelation:
My writing is solid, but my characters and dialogue SUCK.
Who knows how to breathe life into characters and the things they say?
I'll study Theater!
(QUE: The eye-est roll, ever)
As silly as that decision may sound, studying Theater is the smartest choice I've ever made as a marketer.
It emphasized storytelling as the ultimate form of communication.
It gave me powerful insights into the human psyche and the real reasons why people do what they do.
It showed me how to use those insights to resonate emotionally with an audience.
Most importantly, it encouraged me to keep writing and studying long after I graduated.
After graduation, I quickly learned there ain't no money in writing fiction.
But after all that time, the ad-man in me never died.
He reminded me that copywriting is writing. It just isn't as sexy as being a great American novelist.
And that's how my twisted path came full circle.
I honed my craft as a copywriter for years, paying my dues (and my bills) with the words I wrote and the stories I told.
I never stopped seeking new ideas, strategies, and successful mentors to learn from.
In my years as a Copywriter and a Sales Manager, I became very familiar with ESPs (Email Service Providers) like Klaviyo, AWeber, and Convertkit.
(I don't "monkey around" with that other one)
During that time, I saw first-hand that business owners are often too busy to handle the logistics of their email lists.
Or worse yet, they never bother building an email list, at all.
Which is frustrating. I'd be writing killer emails for my clients, but too many of them weren't getting sent.
I don't blame my clients for that. Many of them were simply too busy with the business aspects of their company, product, course, or offer.
So I decided to do something about it.
Since I'm a rare duck who actually enjoys fooling around in your back-end.
(your email back-end, sicko!)
Because "List Management" is something nobody wants to do.
Building funnels, clearing out unresponsive subscribers, optimizing segments, and the 1,000 other features in your ESP are straight-up boring.
So let me handle it for you, simple as that.
Or steal the ideas I regularly send to my email list, and use them for yourself:
"Tom's strategies are the best thing that ever happened to our company. His strong voice defines our brand image to this day."
-Rachel B., General Manager of Happy Earth Co-op
(she really likes me)
"Brilliant, punctual, professional. Best marketer I've ever worked with."
-Michael S., Content Editor at Sic Semper Serpent
"Tom's words have honed our entire organization's messaging. He really knows how this email stuff works."
-Sue C., Executive Director of the MN Center for Employee Ownership
"Your copy is addicting. Serious Genius."
-Ngoc T., Maker-in-chief at Mix Maker
"Great text, man! Amazing! Everyone looks forward to reading your next material."
-Azur D., Co-Founder of Synergy Moon
"A JOY to work with! Always prepared and never misses a deadline. And he's a downright great human being."
-Leah P., Sales Director at City Pages (RIP)
-Thomas C., some dweeb who calls himself The "Everything Email" Guy
As you can see in the testimonials above, my email strategies are effective in every niche and industry, even the non-profit sector.
Which brings me to...
The Bad News
Nowhere on this page do I promise to make you "6-figures with one funnel!!1!" or other dumb hype.
Because email marketing just doesn't work that way.
It's not a magic pill that allows you to cash in forever.
It takes effort and a special skill set. But if done correctly and consistently, email marketing has the best ROI of any online advertising.
However, if your business, product, or service is a dud, no amount of email strategy can save you.
I can't fix a bad offer. Nor will I sell it.
But if you have something great that your customers enjoy, I can help you spread the good news far and wide.
Except for this other piece of bad news:
My time is extremely limited.
I'm the email guy over at Mix Maker Agency.
I'm a stay-at-home dad.
I'm not desperate for more work.
So if you're interested in my email services, contact me now to get on my waitlist, before someone else snags your spot in line:
Luckily, it's time for...
The Good News
I do take on new clients whenever I can.
So you can use either of those methods to contact me for work.
Or you can sign up for my email list and learn how to enhance your own marketing.
But, fair warning...
My email style is... unique.
In case you couldn't tell by reading this page.
If you sign up, I'll send emails like:
9 Copywriting tips my cat told me
The day aliens hacked Scott Simon's radio show
The 400-year-old Frenchman who invented comedy (and wrote the jokes you still laugh at today)
I haven't shampooed in 13 years (and other ways big brands influence your behavior)
The arcade game that the US Government used for mind control
Welcome to the "Everything Email" list (and also the Reptilian Revolution)
Believe it or not, those emails all carry lessons about how to improve your marketing.
They're also funny, entertaining, and mind-blowing, if you ask my super-biased opinion.
So here's one more chance to join my email list.
Don't ignore this opt-in like you did the others, ok? This one is extra sensitive:
What are you expecting down here? Another photo of me with a bowl-cut?